There are, of course, many factors (including subjective ones) that help determine what the best educational and societal settings are for a given family. We will not try to use this forum to give you our opinion about the type of school in which to enroll your children or which shuls to frequent. Rather, we will deal with the phenomenon of tensions that arise when adolescents find themselves in complex settings in which they receive conflicting religious and societal messages.
One cannot hermetically shield his children from abuse any more than he can protect toddlers from falls without tying them down and thereby harming them. When you embarked on your “take from here and there” educational approach, you should have been aware that few Jewish communities practice full religious pluralism, even between different styles of Orthodoxy.
Some communitites do not believe in pluralism and feel that it is correct to criticize their “rivals” relatively freely. Other communities believe in pluralism, but some of their individual members tend to react negatively to those who do not act in accordance with their ideals – including even to external signs, such as clothing that shows allegiance to a “competing” subgroup. (We will not attemp to preach to those who are, in our eyes, guilty of these insensitivities because they are not likely to listen.[3]) Not everyone notices the hypocrisy of his being intolerant of a person whom he perceives, correctly or not, of being intolerant. Baruch HaShem, many people are not like that, and only a minority of those who have such prejudices express them in an openly abusive way. However, just as kids are made fun of from time to time because of their height, weight, intelligence, etc., you and your children will hear occasional comments about wearing a hat or not wearing one, or a variety of other practices and viewpoints, coming from one side of the ideological divide or another.
It is unhealthy to expose your children to schools that inappropriately “bash” principles your family stands for. Differing opinions need not be harmful, but their insenstive and even irresponsible presentations can be. The man who abused your son made a psychological mistake (besides the transgression of embarrassing a young guest[4]). Such actions, as well as the cumulative effect of more subtle negatitivity or coldness, are likely to distance the victim from the community the abuser represents, whether it is Dati Leumi, Haredi, or anything else. This is a disservice to you, the parents, who are trying to impart the positive legacy you were raised on and other values that you have the right to embrace. While it is best to minimize the number of such interactions, it is not possible and probably not even desirable to avoid them totally. You should figure out how to teach your child – according to his personality, capacity, and experiences – about the dynamics of these matters and prepare him to think healthily and wisely.
While your educational goals are your prerogative, please consider the following. You want your children to be exposed to the best of “two worlds,” to love all Jews, and to be comfortable among the communities in which they mingle. Understand that at least in the prevailing socio-religious climate in Israel and other Jewish communities, it is likely that your children will not “straddle the fence” when they grow up; they will eventually choose a side. That does not mean your efforts are in vain. With siyata dishmaya,[5] although your children will end up in whatever community they (and not you) decide, they will have learned lessons that most of their peers will lack. Undiscerning outsiders may judge your children by their mode of dress or other externals, but that does not mean that they have not been enriched and broadened. However, to succeed, it is important to expose them wisely to positive elements and personalities of the rest of the “world” that they are less likely to take part in. Hopefully, not only will this educate them about ideals that you believe in, but it will also assist them in developing a more natural affinity and love for larger parts of Klal Yisrael than they might otherwise have.
We respect your resolve to adopt a difficult educational path, based on your high aspirations for your children and your own broad outlook. Realize, however, that it requires considerable parenting skills to instruct your children how to swim safely against the current (or should we say, currents). Some feel they have no choice. We hope this path will lead your family to a situation in which your children will gain much but that the price of tensions and distress from comments will not be too high. Make sure you and they can handle it and, if you believe you can, we wish you good luck!