There are three possible approaches to take to solve your dilemma. One approach is to figure out how you could get the money from the children in a legal, halachic manner. Without knowing the particulars, we would note that the great majority of families spend enough on their children that they can find ways to withhold funds to make up for the damages. Another approach is to come to a totally informal agreement. This could entail appealing to the children’s sense of fair play to see if they are willing to volunteer (partial) payment or deciding to forgo the money altogether as one more act of love. The third approach is to present the children with what the consequences should be according to the Torah and to allow that information to serve as the basis for a p’shara hakerova ladin (compromise that resembles the law) at which you can arrive. It is difficult to imagine cases where the first, harshest approach would be educationally appropriate. Between the second and third approaches, it depends very much on the dynamics of the case, the relationships, and the personalities involved. It is, of course, up to your discretion to educate your children as you decide. We will share with you some basic, halachic guidelines to discuss with them. Certainly, we cannot give a halachic ruling after receiving only a brief description from one party.
Whereas children under bar mitzva are exempt from paying for the damages they cause,[1] those above bar mitzva are obligated. The fact that parents support them has some halachic ramifications that classify children above bar mitzva in the same category as those below bar mitzva, but not in this regard. There is a rabbinic institution to exempt a wife from paying for damages she causes to her husband’s property in order to maintain family tranquility.[2] There is some question how far-reaching this rule is,[3] including whether it applies only to a wife or to other members of the household.[4] However, in the case of damage caused by recklessness, clearly no exemption applies. Thus, in theory, one could sue his children for such damages. Of course, the potential emotional damage that insensitive handling of the situation could cause generally precludes that option.
Let us assume that you will assure your children that you will not take away money, even in a legal form, but will just withhold certain gratuities. Can you withhold money for jobs that the children perform around the house? Many parents expect their children to do significant chores without pay. Although your children are not used to that arrangement, you could implement that policy until the damages are worked off. The question then becomes: what if your children (respectfully?) refuse to do the work if they are not getting paid? Children, certainly at that age, are required to perform the mitzva of kibud av va’em,[5] which includes helping out their parents, as long as they don’t have to lay out money to do so.[6] On the other hand, it is hard to define the exact limits of what a child is required to do without payment to help healthy parents. It is also hard to predict how the process will affect relationships.
We hope and pray that you find the right balance between accommodating your children by understanding that damages do occur and teaching them about responsibility for inexcusable mistakes. Remember that the halachic information is only one factor to help arrive at that balance.