Nichum aveilim is on the Rambam’s[2] list of Rabbinic obligations that are fulfillments of the Torah commandment of “v’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha,”[3] to do for one’s friend as one would for himself. The Rambam[4] posits that nichum aveilim takes precedence over another mitzva on that list, visiting the sick, because nichum aveilim is an act of kindness both to the living (the mourners) and to the deceased. Although it seems surprising that consoling the mourners would constitute a kindness to the deceased, some[5] provide a source for this concept from the halacha that if one dies without relatives to sit shiva, ten people “sit in the place of the deceased” and are visited by others.[6]
Rav Moshe Feinstein[7] is among the consensus of opinions that nichum aveilim by phone does not impact on the deceased and thus cannot be as good as coming in person. Therefore, one should be menachem avel in person, if feasible.[8]
In addition, even with regard to the chesed for the mourner, coming in person is generally preferable. The Perisha,[9] in justifying the practice of those who say little or nothing beyond the “nichum formula” when visiting, posits that even “coming in and sitting down to honor [the mourners] is considered nichum aveilim.” While picking up the phone is worth something, it is not as demonstrative an act of honor and empathy as coming in person (just as speaking by phone to a chatan/kalla is not like actually being at the wedding).
Before examining if there is a preference between phone and email, let us analyze a halacha of shiva house protocol. Consolers may not speak until the mourner “opens,” as we find was the careful practice of Iyov’s friends.[10] What is the logic of this halacha, which apparently has not been observed uniformly for quite some time? The Levush[11] explains that the menachem should wait to see if the mourner is in distress; only if so is the menachem to comfort the mourner to relieve that distress. However, practical experience makes it difficult to imagine requiring the menachem to wait for such an indication. The Divrei Sofrim[12] suggests that the assumption that nearly all mourners are in distress can explain why many do not wait. The Aruch HaShulchan[13] explains that nichum aveilim has to do with tzidduk hadin (accepting divine judgment), and the mourner should be the one to start this process, as Iyov did. Some point out that we usually do wait for the avel to say at least something to someone; it is possible that this may suffice, and it is possibly enough for the mourner to have done so only once, in order to enable all menachemim to speak throughout the entire shiva.[14]
Technically, this halacha is presumably not an issue if one calls or emails. An avel would generally be the one to speak into the phone first, so as to acknowledge that he is on the line. His choosing to receive an email is in some ways like inviting the menachem to “speak.” However, extending the Levush’s approach, one would want to know not only that he should speak to the mourner, but also how to do so best. The Chofetz Chaim[15] writes that while one nominally fulfills nichum aveilim by saying “HaMakom yenachem …,” nichum aveilim is intended to touch the heart and lessen pain. Sizing up the mourner’s mood by observing and listening enables the menachem to calibrate his own speech.[16]
Nichum via phone has both greater potential and greater risk than nichum via email. The positive potential is due to the interaction of conversation, which allows one to have a better guess of what to say. The negative potential is that one can speak impactfully without seeing the body language of the mourner, which might have led to a change in approach. The menachem also does not know what is going on at the shiva house; his call may have interrupted a good dynamic among other menachemim present. It also can take away from the opportunity of a different menachem, who is more equipped to console effectively but cannot stay much longer.[17] In contrast, email is usually shallower (barring a masterpiece of a note or letter). However, it has the huge advantage that it allows one to “drop the message off” after choosing the words carefully and allows the avel to choose when to read it (after shiva is also fine).
We propose with conviction that people who are close to an avel but cannot make a personal visit should call by phone, because the potential of a phone call from such individuals is worth the disruption. People who are not close to the aveilim should use email instead (unless they know that there are only few menachemim present or that they can keep their calls very short). If one decides to call and is not given access to the avel with whom he wanted to speak, the menachem should not be insulted, as it is the prerogative of the people at the shiva house to gauge their situation as best as they can, based on emotional and technical considerations.