We have to seek a balanced approach when providing general guidelines for the tricky matter of wedding spending. (Of course, every family has leeway to determine how it wants to proceed.) We will start with reasons to spend significantly and then temper that with counter considerations.
The major expenses that Chazal foresaw as a couple prepares for marriage are intended to enable the establishment of a viable home (i.e., the dowry). The bride’s father was expected to set aside one tenth of his net worth for this purpose.[1] When parents are unable to properly equip their children, it is a great mitzva to help the parents and/or the young couple directly to reach a reasonable level of financial preparedness for marriage.[2]
Chazal attributed great importance to the wedding celebration, including giving it preference over some other significant values. The term hachnasat kalla classically refers primarily to the procession of the bride from her father’s home to the home where the couple would live. In one such context, the gemara[3] says that Torah study is suspended for people (in addition to friends or family) to join the procession and that if the procession meets up with a funeral procession, the wedding party takes precedence.
The meal that follows the chupa is a seudat mitzva, and one is even allowed to plan its technical details on Shabbat.[4] Therefore, one can apply the directive that it is praiseworthy to plan the meal generously.[5] There are strong indications that the outlay of energy and expenses is presumed to be substantial. Indeed, one of the explanations for the ancient, Rabbinically-instituted custom that weddings take place on Wednesday is to make sure there are three days available (uninterrupted by Shabbat) to prepare the meal.[6]
There is a remarkable halacha that shows how challenging having a materially appropriate wedding could be and how important it is to protect that goal. If the father of the groom or the mother of the bride dies right before the wedding, the burial is delayed until after the wedding ceremony and meal. Then the burial takes place, followed by a week of Sheva Berachot and finally a week of shiva.[7] Rashi[8] explains that the groom’s father and the bride’s mother are primarily responsible for the wedding’s material arrangements and that if the wedding were to be delayed after the preparations had already been made, we are concerned that the postponed wedding would not be up to par. This halacha is in significant contrast with Chazal’s view of burial expenses. Rabban Gamliel felt that too much was being spent on funerals, and he therefore ordered his family to bury him in cheap shrouds. This became the standard for shrouds, a rule that all are supposed to abide by regardless of financial ability, in order to ease the financial strain on families.[9]
The Shulchan Aruch[10] writes that if the groom is not interested in having a proper meal but the bride’s family is, the latter can force him to make a feast “according to his and her honor.” This ruling hints at one reason we cannot make an exact calculation of appropriate expenses: The matter depends on the subjective standards of both families. Someone who has fancy cars and a fancy house should make a relatively fancy wedding. Those who are more modest in their means and spending can honor the event accordingly.
Despite this conclusion, it is only one side of the coin. The other side is that a wedding should not be a reason for ruining a family’s financial situation or harming the couple’s prospect of beginning their joint lives in tranquility and with reasonable provisions. Children should also not impose expenses upon parents that are beyond their responsibility, interest, and capability. On a communal level, there have been numerous examples of takanot (enforced guidelines) with rabbinic blessing and/or initiative to curb spending even when the families are willing and happy to pay for a lavish wedding.[11] This can be especially important during hard financial times. But it also applies during times of prosperity if spending starts to get out of hand in a way that affects some individuals adversely or if weddings become so gaudy that they exceed Jewish good taste.
How an individual or a community is to know where to draw the line is, as they say, “the $64,000 question” (and we pray that weddings remain well below that price tag).